The Choices You Made

...and how they f***** you eventually

You were a weird child.

A little precocious, perhaps, a little too smart for your own good. You learned to read at the age of 3 and the expectations were high for you. You went to school and it was pointed out to the other kids that you already knew what they were learning. And they didn't like it. So maybe you spelled a few words wrong on purpose here and there. Maybe you stopped answering all the questions. Maybe you ignored your homework and maybe you almost flunked out of the second year of high school and struggled to actually graduate when you actually could have done it with straight A's.

You were a weird kid.

You were hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive and you had to learn the hard way that nobody likes a smartass. You chose not to point out all the things you noticed. You chose to play dumb in order to not seem threatening. And it stuck. You trained yourself to not feel so much all the time.

You were a funny girl.

You noticed at a young age that you loved to make people laugh. You did bits and voices and you were proudly loud. You knew endless movie quotes and comedy bits by heart and people loved it but here's the thing; you can make them laugh but you can't make them want to kiss you. So eventually, when you got tired of being "the funny one", you chose to tone it down.

And they still didn't want to kiss you.

And when that one person told you they did, you freaked out because already, at 15, your choices had already begun to f*** you. You just didn't know it yet. You just became more convinced that everyone had been right all along. You were weird. You were different. And you were funny and smart, so you couldn't also be pretty.

You had been on a diet since you were 7 and as a teen, you were already a pro at eating your feelings and hiding your upper arms.

The boys didn't know whether to friendzone you or argue with you when you knew more about music and certain bands than they did. All they knew was, they didn't want to kiss you because nobody wants to kiss a smart mouth.

You tried to start over.

You went abroad after high school and you met new people and you worked hard to make them see you the way you wanted to be seen. But your analytical nature didn't serve you, you loved where you were, but you became so lonely. You actively tried not to be funny. You became quiet.

And you became extremely depressed. And it had to be your new choice. You can't be depressed and also be funny, unless your humour is very self-deprecating. You talked so much shit about yourself that you believed every word of it. You turned it outwards and used it to judge other people to feel better about yourself - a habit that would stick with you for years to come.

You went to California, you found a place for your heart among witches and queers, you were kissed and liked it, you were kissed and didn't like it. You fell in love with a beautiful boy with dark skin and blue eyes and you found courage and you jumped and nobody caught you or your weird, lonely heart.

You were a young woman and you thought something was wrong with you. But you also had a taste of being appreciated for who you were and it was the sweetest thing. Your heart grew in the light of the drag queen who told you that you were fabulous, and your self-esteem straightened its back when those beautiful gay men called you a goddess.

So you knew those things. Deep down, you knew who you were but you also really wanted to be liked.

"Being Liked" and "Being Accepted and Appreciated for Who You Really Are" are two completely different things, but you didn't know that. Not back then.

You met a boy in a band and he Liked you and he picked you. You weren't alone anymore. But you were ripe for the picking and he Liked you. You felt normal. You were doing what people are supposed to do. You were no longer the eternal single girl.

He was in a band and you were one of the boys sometimes, you could hang, you didn't flinch at their dirty jokes, you weren't alone anymore, and they tested you and pushed your limits to see how much you could take. You chose to be the awesome wife. You were supportive and you tried so hard. He Liked you. You were funny and you were also cute, but that's as far as it goes, you can't be funny, cute PLUS sexy and intelligent now can you?

He sought attention elsewhere and you pretended that you didn't know. You knew. But you can't be Liked and Assertive. You can't be Liked and perform radical acts of self-love. You were so alone. You knew but you were paralyzed. You lashed out at other women instead, you called them names, you acted in fear, you saw their weaknesses and their hurt and you turned it against them. You were mean and you acted in fear. You were so smart and analytical and you used your powers for evil.

You were mean. Mean can be funny though, and you kind of enjoyed that darkness in yourself. Made you feel like you couldn't get hurt.

It's over now and you know it's for the best. It's been a long hard road for you while he moved on within days of you going to a hotel by the airport.

A long hard road but you're growing. You did all your crying and self-blaming and almost begging and then you remembered who you were, and YOU CHANGED THE GAME.

You remembered what being you felt like. You remembered that you prefer to be nice. That you love to make people laugh. That music and art fuels you. That you deserve to be happy just the way you are. That politics and social issues interest you. That you want to partake in change.

It will take some time, because you also know you are filled with hangups and weirdness, but eventually, you will remember that you are many things, and you are allowed to be all of them.

Intelligent.

Cute.

Loud.

Smart.

Beautiful.

Quiet.

Sexy.

Weird.

Funny.

You.

-M.

On Diversity and Bacon.

I am a member of Sweet Adelines International, a worldwide organization of women singers that is dedicated to the art of Barbershop Harmony and a cappella singing.

I have been a member for about 11 years. I started out as a chorus member and became more and more involved in the management and music teams over the years, and now I am the frontline director of a mid-size chorus in Calgary, Alberta. I have written several posts about the director role on this blog – it’s a subject that I love, a job that I love, and I am very proud of all the things I have learned because of the opportunities given to me by my chorus, and by Sweet Adelines.

I love what I do.

But lately, we have been having these discussions. Discussions about diversity, inclusiveness and how to grow our organization again, as membership is declining.

Important discussions, that seem to be going nowhere.

The other day, a question was posted in one of our Facebook groups. “Crowns or no crowns? Discuss!”. And people did. The post currently has over 800 replies – people feel very strongly about this.

An aside for the un-initiated: Crowns are given to the winners of the international quartet competition every year. Saying “I want a crown one day” means that you want to become an international quartet champion. It is a long standing tradition and people love it, it’s a big part of the annual competition – but although almost everybody wants to become really, really good…not everyone would feel comfortable wearing a sparkly crown or tiara. Just like not everyone is comfortable wearing glitzy stage outfits, sequins, and dancing shoes with heels.

When we discuss diversity, we talk about the inclusion and representation of women of colour, but also the inclusion and representation of LGBTQIA people.

While we focus our time and talent on making beautiful sounds, a big part of our performances has been the visual – sparkly costumes, ball gowns, heels, big hair, lots of makeup. Stuff that I personally think is fun, like playing dress-up. For a person who presents gender-neutral though…feeling pressure to do the dress-up part of it when all they want is to become a really good singer in a really good quartet, I imagine it must be a bit uncomfortable. Maybe even painful.

In this Facebook post, the discussion got very heated. Everyone had something to say about the crown tradition. Most want to keep it, because, well, tradition. Some tried to explain why some of these old traditions may actually be harming us. Some attempted to make others understand why the expectation of wearing a crown if they won actually deterred them from competing.

A day or so later, someone else made a post. It read “Bacon as dessert? Discuss!”

This, I’m sure, was only meant as lighthearted fun to break up the discussion. I know the original poster had no malicious intent – it was just a little joke.
But people got the metaphor, and the posts – although still talking about bacon – became quite pointed.

“Really?”, I thought to myself. “Bacon? We have to wrap these questions in damn bacon to make people actually talk about them? And even then, they don’t quite seem to grasp the concept – not everyone eats bacon!”

But OK. If bacon is the way we have to go, then let’s go there, people. Our beloved organization is shrinking and here we are, for some reason, unsure as to how to move forward.

Enter BACON.

Let’s say you own a restaurant. It’s been in your family for years, and what makes it different from other restaurants is that literally everything on the menu has bacon in it. Everything from cocktails and appetizers to main courses and desserts. You love bacon. Your friends love bacon. Everybody loves bacon!

You have become really good at cooking bacon and finding new ways of incorporating bacon into your dishes. But lately, not as many new customers are coming to your restaurant. Many of your old regulars still come every week, but even some of their visits are less frequent. Some of them even ask for no bacon on their food, which upsets you a bit because bacon is your thing!
You even fry the potatoes in bacon grease!

It turns out that new information has come to light. People are finding out that eating meat all the time actually isn’t good for you. Especially processed meats, like bacon. Many are also very upset about how the pigs are treated on factory farms, and there has been video released of pigs being kicked, dragged and beaten, all in order to produce bacon. People have decided that they want to eat less bacon, and add more fresh vegetables and meat alternatives to their diet.

You’re losing money. You’re still wondering why – your food is so good, bacon makes everything better, how can people choose other restaurants over yours?

One day, a vegan comes into your restaurant. She is hungry. She wants to sit down and have a great meal with her friends.

You don’t have a single option for her on your menu.

She explains to you that she doesn’t feel welcome here. She likes the atmosphere of your place, she likes the people who go there, she likes you, she likes the fact that all the food is home cooked, but she can’t stay because there is nothing for her on the menu. She’s going to have to go elsewhere…and her friends decide to go with her.

You could have had a table of 5 paying customers, but instead they all left. You worry about loss of income and a declining customer base.

You wonder why that woman couldn’t just have ordered a meal and removed the bacon.

You wonder why people have to be so difficult. Why can’t they just go with the flow and respect your traditions?

But your problem persists – your business is not as successful as it once was, and you now have to make a decision. You know that people want options. Some may still want your classic bacon dishes but if you want new customers, you have to come up with some alternatives. You, my bacon-loving friend, have been given a choice.

You can keep doing what you always did and not change a thing. Maybe times will change again. Maybe a new study will come out that says bacon is good for you and makes you sexy, and piglets actually really enjoy being castrated without anesthesia.

Or, you can change with the times. You can give your menu an overhaul. Why don’t you ask that vegan to come back and help you come up with some ideas for new dishes? What would she like to see in your restaurant that would make her want to come back again and again?
You could incorporate some veggies into a few of your old bacon dishes to satisfy the meat lovers while still getting them to enjoy something new.

Look at them happy pigs!

Maybe you decide to renovate the kitchen and give the dining room a facelift, kind of like if Gordon Ramsay came to your place with his TV show – just with less yelling.

We have a choice. We are being told what the problem is, and we can choose to try to do something about it. Change isn’t always easy, but it is almost always worth it if you believe that the end result will bring more success.

Listen to that vegan. She just may have the answer.

-M.