You were a weird child.
A little precocious, perhaps, a little too smart for your own good. You learned to read at the age of 3 and the expectations were high for you. You went to school and it was pointed out to the other kids that you already knew what they were learning. And they didn't like it. So maybe you spelled a few words wrong on purpose here and there. Maybe you stopped answering all the questions. Maybe you ignored your homework and maybe you almost flunked out of the second year of high school and struggled to actually graduate when you actually could have done it with straight A's.
You were a weird kid.
You were hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive and you had to learn the hard way that nobody likes a smartass. You chose not to point out all the things you noticed. You chose to play dumb in order to not seem threatening. And it stuck. You trained yourself to not feel so much all the time.
You were a funny girl.
You noticed at a young age that you loved to make people laugh. You did bits and voices and you were proudly loud. You knew endless movie quotes and comedy bits by heart and people loved it but here's the thing; you can make them laugh but you can't make them want to kiss you. So eventually, when you got tired of being "the funny one", you chose to tone it down.
And they still didn't want to kiss you.
And when that one person told you they did, you freaked out because already, at 15, your choices had already begun to f*** you. You just didn't know it yet. You just became more convinced that everyone had been right all along. You were weird. You were different. And you were funny and smart, so you couldn't also be pretty.
You had been on a diet since you were 7 and as a teen, you were already a pro at eating your feelings and hiding your upper arms.
The boys didn't know whether to friendzone you or argue with you when you knew more about music and certain bands than they did. All they knew was, they didn't want to kiss you because nobody wants to kiss a smart mouth.
You tried to start over.
You went abroad after high school and you met new people and you worked hard to make them see you the way you wanted to be seen. But your analytical nature didn't serve you, you loved where you were, but you became so lonely. You actively tried not to be funny. You became quiet.
And you became extremely depressed. And it had to be your new choice. You can't be depressed and also be funny, unless your humour is very self-deprecating. You talked so much shit about yourself that you believed every word of it. You turned it outwards and used it to judge other people to feel better about yourself - a habit that would stick with you for years to come.
You went to California, you found a place for your heart among witches and queers, you were kissed and liked it, you were kissed and didn't like it. You fell in love with a beautiful boy with dark skin and blue eyes and you found courage and you jumped and nobody caught you or your weird, lonely heart.
You were a young woman and you thought something was wrong with you. But you also had a taste of being appreciated for who you were and it was the sweetest thing. Your heart grew in the light of the drag queen who told you that you were fabulous, and your self-esteem straightened its back when those beautiful gay men called you a goddess.
So you knew those things. Deep down, you knew who you were but you also really wanted to be liked.
"Being Liked" and "Being Accepted and Appreciated for Who You Really Are" are two completely different things, but you didn't know that. Not back then.
You met a boy in a band and he Liked you and he picked you. You weren't alone anymore. But you were ripe for the picking and he Liked you. You felt normal. You were doing what people are supposed to do. You were no longer the eternal single girl.
He was in a band and you were one of the boys sometimes, you could hang, you didn't flinch at their dirty jokes, you weren't alone anymore, and they tested you and pushed your limits to see how much you could take. You chose to be the awesome wife. You were supportive and you tried so hard. He Liked you. You were funny and you were also cute, but that's as far as it goes, you can't be funny, cute PLUS sexy and intelligent now can you?
He sought attention elsewhere and you pretended that you didn't know. You knew. But you can't be Liked and Assertive. You can't be Liked and perform radical acts of self-love. You were so alone. You knew but you were paralyzed. You lashed out at other women instead, you called them names, you acted in fear, you saw their weaknesses and their hurt and you turned it against them. You were mean and you acted in fear. You were so smart and analytical and you used your powers for evil.
You were mean. Mean can be funny though, and you kind of enjoyed that darkness in yourself. Made you feel like you couldn't get hurt.
It's over now and you know it's for the best. It's been a long hard road for you while he moved on within days of you going to a hotel by the airport.
A long hard road but you're growing. You did all your crying and self-blaming and almost begging and then you remembered who you were, and YOU CHANGED THE GAME.
You remembered what being you felt like. You remembered that you prefer to be nice. That you love to make people laugh. That music and art fuels you. That you deserve to be happy just the way you are. That politics and social issues interest you. That you want to partake in change.
It will take some time, because you also know you are filled with hangups and weirdness, but eventually, you will remember that you are many things, and you are allowed to be all of them.
Intelligent.
Cute.
Loud.
Smart.
Beautiful.
Quiet.
Sexy.
Weird.
Funny.
You.
-M.
