...and Other Things That May Happen
I am the kind of person who likes to re-watch movies. I have a small collection of movies that I have adopted over the years as “my favourites”, because I liked a character in them, or I found them visually pleasing, or they were just feel-good movies that go along with certain periods of my life, or fit with a certain time of the year. I watch “Desperately Seeking Susan” at least once a year. Same with “Mermaids”. Lately, “The Devil Wears Prada” has made the list of movies that I will just put on from time to time because they are comfortable. I like the beginning of the movie the best, when Andy (Anne Hathaway) becomes interested in fashion and gets a makeover and rushes through New York city wearing fabulous things that she somehow can afford as an intern. She becomes friends with Nigel (Stanley Tucci) who is some kind of assistant or editor at Runway Magazine (where Andy is an intern).
One day Andy is complaining to Nigel about her mean boss Miranda (the always flawless Meryl Streep), and Nigel pretty much tells her to suck it up because a thousand girls want the job Andie has, and Andie knows that if she can just stick with it for one year, she’ll be able to get whatever job she wants. Nigel tells her to wake up, that she’s not even trying, that she should be trying harder because she is working for an icon, and that in order to be successful, she has to put her heart into it, and then says “wait until your whole life goes up in smoke. Means it’s time for a promotion”.
I don’t work for a fashion magazine. Being a director doesn’t mean that the world is my oyster and that I will be able to get whatever job I want after I am done with my chorus.
But one thing I wish I had known before I started was how much time it was going to take. I had been told, but I didn’t really know.
“The Devil Wears Prada” gets more and more annoying to watch as it goes on, and I rarely watch it to the end nowadays. Andy’s friends make fun of her for taking her job seriously. They all know that it’s a huge stepping stone in her career, and that she just has to stick it out, but they get mad at her for always taking her boss’ phone calls. Her boyfriend gets whiny and sad because she doesn’t have time to lavish him with attention. He knows how crucial this job is for her career, but he thinks his birthday is more important.
I’m getting off topic, sort of.
My point is, that as you delve further into your role of Director, it is going to take more and more of your time, and you need to be prepared for the fact that not everyone in your life is going to get that. Especially since you’re not getting paid, but you spend hours every day working on chorus stuff. You do it because it’s important to you and you love it, and because every week, you’ll discover more and more things you could be doing for your singers, for your teams, for yourself.
And your family and friends may not love it. If they are not involved in chorus/ quartet life themselves, they will not get it. Even if they are, they may not get it.
You will find yourself growing, as a leader and as a musician, and I think for most of us, it makes us want to put even more of ourselves into it. We feel that our involvement in our organization is rewarding enough, and we forget that our family members do not see what we see.
We hope that they will see that we are happy, and growing as people, that we are finding purpose in our lives. And many will see that, eventually – but you may have to nudge them a little. And you, dear Director, are going to have to learn to delegate!
What? DELEGATE??? Relinquish control over things? NEVER!!!
It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. First, you have to be OK with yourself not doing everything. You have to learn to accept that you can still be in control even if it’s not you out there doing it.
Then, you have to find the people that you know can do it. People who understand what you want, and who will pass that on to the chorus without any ulterior motive. People you trust.
You have to train those people. You can’t just give them a task and send them on their merry way – make sure that they are going to represent YOU when they do it. Be very, very clear as to what your expectations are, but also, understand that they are not you and they may put their own spin on things. This is where the Ego Check has to happen.
Just because they are not you, doesn’t mean they’re not great. Hard to grasp, I know. But, one of our most important jobs as leaders is to grow and develop other leaders, and you can’t do that if you aren’t willing to give people a little bit of space to figure out how they are going to do their jobs. Isn’t that how you became a director in the first place? Because someone let you go out and try it?
The more you can develop people and teams within your chorus that can take care of some of the work for you, the more balance you will have. You can focus on the things you are really good at, and not worry about a million other items.
You’ll still have to check your email and phone numerous times a night and you’ll still have plenty of work to do, but once you do find the right people, you will be more and more comfortable letting them do things without you. I think it’s hard to relinquish some of the control, because we are perfectionists and we want things done OUR way. Well, then we have to teach our people to do things our way, don’t we? Yes. And this takes time.
And your family may not get it.
And, because your success in the chorus world doesn’t equal a big paycheque, they may never get it.
So, you do need to communicate with them and explain why you are doing it. You might have to do this several times before it sinks in (and depending on who your family is, it may never sink in and that’s why so many SAI directors are divorced. Fact.)
(Fact: I don’t know if that is a fact. I just know several chorus directors who have been divorced but I really have no idea if barbershop wrecked their marriages…and I am not going to ask. Feel free to leave an anonymous comment.)
You do have to make yourself happy. After all, chorus IS a hobby…an all-consuming fire of a hobby, but a hobby nonetheless. If you are constantly stressed out and feeling guilty (and as women, we already feel guilty all the time, don’t we?), you need to look at what you can change to make it better, and chance are that once you do change those things and become better at prioritizing, not only will you be happier, but so will your chorus members. You know what they say – “if Mama is happy, everyone’s happy”. You are Mama. You may or may not have children of your own, but you are Mama now. And sometimes, Mama needs help.
-M.
